Five Classic Affairs

This is an assorted assemblage of five extremely humorous incidents which i thought would tickle the funny bone in us.
(where`s that bone by the way ?)
Read the disclaimer before reading the affairs.

Disclaimer : Who Cares ... go on reading

Uno : The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they
fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and
rub them in the grass and dirt.He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!"
__________

Dos : The 2nd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"
____________

Tres : The 3rd Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Smith, Hurry" she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."
___________

Cuatro : The 4th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be Rs 100."

"Rs 100 ?" the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"Rs 20," the barman replied.

"Rs 20 ?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied,

"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
______________

Cinco : The 5th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

l'extrémité